Celebrity Jokes

Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A. They both live off dead Beatles.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A. The Spice Girls!

Q. Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A. Because it hurts.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the World."

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.

Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me"

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit for celebrity fun?
A: "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!"

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both played with little wieners.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A: Because he ate all the kids' wieners.

Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!!!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.

Q: What do Celebrity Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other f***s little boys.

Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift...

Q: Where's Michael going on holiday?
A: He's off to Tampa with the kids.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
A: They both have small boys pants at half off!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart?
A: He heard they had small boys pants half off.

Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's suit?
A: A happy meal.

McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.

The new burger at McDonald's is called the McJackson.
It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns.

Q: What do Michael's rear and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the juice.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a Youngstown there.

Q: What's Micheal Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!

Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: How many times does 12 go into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.

Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends?
A: Because there are twenty of them!

Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!

Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q: What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!

Q: What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.

Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.

Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
A: It was just a slip of the tongue.

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!

Q: What did Michael Jackson yell when he fell off the boat?
A: Throw me the bouy!!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a Big Wheel parked outside his house!

Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.

Q: How does Michael like to party?
A: He sips a couple of Tall Boys.

Q: What's Michael's favorite snack?
A: Slim Jims.

Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.

Q: What's Michael's favorite dish?
A: Creamed shrimp.

Q. Did you hear Michael Jackson is moving to PA... Guess which town? A. Dubois.

Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
A: He was up to two packs a day.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in small tots.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?
A: They both come in tots.

Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under Eights.

Q: What does Michael Jackson give his guests after dinner?
A: Instead of after eight mints, he gives them under eight children.

Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
A: It comes in a little can.

Q: Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It's white chocolate with no nuts.... (but kids like it)

Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Like taking candy from a baby.

Q: What is the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks.

Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count?
A: Look it up in Webster's.

Q: Why is Michael Jackson opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
A: He's got children out the ass.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A: "Shit happens!"

Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A: Because it hurts.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He's sore from the kids last night,

Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
A: Which one's mommy?

Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.  "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
 

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